Republicans versus…

So at the ‘third’ night the the Republican National Convention, the Grand Old Party came out swinging.

Even though it was a few middle aged white people on the stage, tonight’s speeches almost felt like it should have been at the now defunct CBGB.

Tonight, the Republican party came to rebel… and they were spitting in the face of the ‘Man.’

Who is the ‘Man’ exactly? The thousands of well to do Caucasian people in the audience and the upper middle class ones on the stage? I know my fellow minorities might think so but they would be wrong. The ‘Man,’ according to some more guys who got their asses handed to them by the war hero is the following:

– Anyone who has traveled out of the country, most notably Europe. Especially if they went there to figure out how they have been kicking our asses economically the past few years.

– Any middle aged woman who is not a ‘hockey mom.’ What’s your problem? Football/basketball/baseball is so 2004. If you really want to be down to Earth, if you really want to rail against the ‘Man’ you would tell your son to put down his baseball and pick up a hockey puck.

– If you are a reporter, commentator or blogger who may have had ‘questions’ about the hot librarian (or any Republican for that matter). How dare you. How come you aren’t asking the Dark Knight or his Old White Guy all of these questions? What’s that? You already have the goods on them because they have been in the spotlight for years and years and the hot librarian has only been around for six days? Still… stick it do the Dark Knight like you’re sticking it to the hot librarian. What’s that you say? He’s actually going on Bill O’ Reilly tomorrow? Whatever… the war hero is too busy to go on Larry King right now to be grilled by another partisan talk show host. But he’ll happily face it when he has the time.

– If you live in a major metropolitan city. Hate to break to you guys, but according to the Republicans tonight we are the ‘Man’ and therefore against America. If you’ve ever bought anything from Banana Republic, Whole Foods, American Apparel, Barnes & Noble or Potterybarn, you clearly don’t love this country.

– That goes double if you’re middle class/upper middle class/rich but don’t have conservative leanings. You elitist pricks. How dare you look down on small town, blue collar middle America? The Republican party is here to tell you to take your Cosmos, (drink and magazine) ultralounges and expensive heels and shove them up your elitist ass.

– Anyone who doesn’t take Mitt Romney, Mike Huckabee or Rudolph Guiliani seriously. Especially Guiliani. You know what he did right? He was the mayor of New York City during…. what’s that? You know cause you’ve heard him repeat it a million times? Okay… just have to keep reminding you liberals since you like to have selective amnesia. You probably think Hillary did all the dirty work or something.

– Anyone who doesn’t want to ‘drill baby drill’ (note: I try to be more satirical than partisan but I think that one was a total ‘oof’ moment).

– And finally… you ‘Godless’ ‘angry’ liberals. You wanted to give up on Iraq which means you want to give up on America. Don’t you see how close we are? I know we’ve spent trillions of dollars on this war and have been there as long as we were involved in World War II but still… we’re so close. Just a few more years and a few more billions of dollars that we’ll have to pay interest on to China and we’ll be out of there… you only remind us how much you hate America by talking about pulling out.

Oh and another thing… you’re really screwing up our country with your so called ‘progressive’ thinking. Your desire to kill unborn babies and infect our children with ‘sexual education’ is reprehensible. This is God’s country remember? ‘In God We Trust…’ that’s what it says on our money and you heathens are trying to take him out of everything.

*End sarcasm* All right… I’m done. I want to thank the RNC for showing me a great time tonight. I got to stay on top of it while me and my partner drank Red Headed Sluts all night (classy I know).


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